Question to Radio Yerevan:
Is it true that in the Soviet Union no one lacks a stero system?
– In principle, yes, you hear the same from all sides.
Is it true that the Trabant will be renamed the Luther-mobile?
– In principle no, though Luther did say ‘Here I stand, I can do nothing else.’
Is it true that the West German Volkswagen is only driven by Capitalists?
– In our experience no Capitalists drive it.
What is the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
– An optimist learns English – a pessimist Chinese.
What would happen if one of our leaders had a heart transplant and received a Western heart?
– In principle, nothing. The heart plays no role with our leaders.
Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?
– Yes, in the story of the Creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of Eden, and said to Adam: “Now choose a woman.”
Which nationality were Adam and Eve?
– They had one apple between them, they were both completely naked—and they believed they were in Paradise.
Dear Radio Yerevan: I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I don’t love the Party any more. I feel nothing at all for Comrade Brezhnev or any of the other leaders of the Party. What should I do?
– Please send us your name and address.
Is there censorship of the press and radio in the Soviet Union?
– In principle no, but it is unfortunately not possible to go into this question in any detail at the present time.
Can a pig become bald?
– Sorry. We do not answer political questions.
Question to Radio Armenia: “What is the definition of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR?”
– Answer: “The Supreme Soviet is a collective organ of Soviet authority, consisting of two types of people: those who are absolutely incapable of anything, and those who are capable of absolutely everything.”
Is Marxism an exact science?
– No. Otherwise we would have tested the system on animals first.
Can Communism also be in the USA?
– Yes. But who would give us our wheat then?
What were the last words of Mayakovsky before his suicide in 1930?
– “Comrades. Don’t shoot!”
Why does the USSR only have a one-party system?
– Because we couldn’t nourish two partys.
Which four factors inhibit the agricultural development?
– Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.