When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, “Why don’t you put up a sign reading ‘Collective Farm’? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away.”
Stalin is visiting a school in a remote part of Russia and he asks one child: Who is your father?’ ‘My father is Stalin.’ ‘And who is your mother?’ ‘My mother is Russia.’ ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ – ‘An orphan’.
Stalin holds a big meeting in a factory.
Stalin: ‘The thing we hold most precious in the Soviet Union is a human life.’
‘Who coughed?’, bellows Stalin.
‘Okay, call in the NKVD.’
The NKVD rush in with semi-automatic weapons blazing. Soon only seven men are left standing.
Stalin: ‘Who coughed?’
One man raises his hand.
Stalin: ‘That’s a terrible cold. Take my car and go to hospital.’
A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin’s office after a long meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dzerzhinsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dzerzhinsky to let the delegation go. Dzerzhinsky answers Stalin’s call: “I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning.”
It is the October anniversary march. Old-age pensioner Rabinovich comes out with a placard saying: “We thank Comrade Stalin for our happy childhood.” A Chekist and a Party organizer rush up to him and say, “Have you gone mad? What childhood, old man? When you were a kid, Comrade Stalin wasn’t even born!” To which Rabinovich replied: “That’s exactly what I want to thank him for.”
Lenin dies and goes to heaven. He’s armed. St Peter stops him at the door. ‘You can’t come in here with a weapon’. Lenin looks up and behind him sees a man with a grey beard and a machine gun. ‘But what about that guy?’ ‘He’s the exception. He’s Karl Marx and he’s waiting for Stalin.
An American and a Russian were discussing the merits of Hoover and Stalin. “Hoover is a great man,” commented the American, because he taught people not to drink.”
“Yes,” replied the Russian, “but Stalin taught people not to eat.”
After Stalin died he came to the gates of Heaven. St. Peter sent him to Hell. The next day more than a dozen devils were knocking on the gates of Paradise. St. Peter opened the doors and asked what they wanted.
The devils replied, “Yesterday Stalin arrived in Hell. We are he first refugees.”
After he died, Stalin was not certain whether he wished to go to Heaven or to Hell. He asked for a tour of each. In heaven, he saw people engaged in quiet prayers and meditation; in Hell people were eating, drinking, dancing and generally having a good time. Stalin opted for Hell. He was led through a series of labyrinths into an area with boiling cauldrons. Several devils grabbed him. Stalin began to protest and pointed out that his tour he was shown people enjoying themselves. “That,” replied a devil, “was just propaganda.”
The end of a propaganda lecture, to which all serfs of Stalin’s Empire were subjected without mercy once a month, the speaker says, “If you have any questions, comrades, feel free to ask.”
“I have one,” says Comrade Cerny. “Meat production has doubled, and our population has decreased by 3 million expelled Germans. Then how come you can’t get a piece of meat without standing in line for hours?”
“Well,” says the propagandist, “I do not have the precise meat statistics with me today. But I will look them up for you and answer your question next week.”
Next week he again ends his lecture with “Are there any questions?”
“Just one,” says somebody. “Where is Comrade Cerny?”
Stalin fell into a pond and was going under water for the third time. A local farmer saw him, jumped in and pulled him out of the water and to safety. The dictator introduced himself and said, “You can have anything within my power to give you. Any reward is yours.” The farmer said, “There is one thing you can for me — don’t tell anybody I saved you.”
Soviet Council, Stalin gets a note: ‘Somebody plans to kill you.’
Stalin continues his speech undisturbed. Then he receives a second note: ‘The assassin is one of our leaders.’ Stalin doesn’t react. A KGB agent comes over and whispers: ‘The assassin is in this room!’ Stalin lifts his eyes and says: ‘Third row, second man from the left.’ The KGB agent jumps on the man and finds him armed with a pistol. ‘How did you know?’ they all ask Stalin. ‘Simple, Comrades. As Lenin said: “Enemies of the revolution never sleep”.’
Stalin one day questions his driver.
‘Are you more or less happy than before the Revolution?’
‘Less happy,’ says the driver.
‘Before the Revolution, I had two suits, while today I only have one.’
‘What are you complaining about?’ says Stalin. ‘In Africa people live completely naked.’
‘Ah!’ says the driver, ‘and when did they have their revolution?’
A drunk was rolling around on the ground in front of a statue of Stalin.
‘I’ll never drink again,’ he wailed, ‘I’ll never touch another drop.’
‘Why do you say that?’ asked a policeman?
‘I can see two of them.’